Each night I watch three TV shows simultaneously: a sitcom rerun, FOX news, and HGTV, constantly switching from one to another. My original objective was to never watch a commercial but I have seriously failed. Commercials mesmerize me just by the ridiculousness of them. If anyone ever anonymously leaves a box of Swiffer Sweepers on my front porch, I vow to find that person and hand him almond milk through his kitchen window; he deserves to enjoy his cereal more.
Granted I’m not a PR expert, but I’ve heard that companies tailor their ads to the viewers of the TV shows. In that case, when I’m watching Tucker Carlson, I have allergies, drive Alfa Romeos, suffer from Plaque Psoriasis and constipation, and I may have erectile dysfunction. If I’m watching the Big Bang Theory, I eat pizzas, I have hemorrhoids, heartburn, and blood clots, and I have a crush on lizards. HGTV makes me want to buy furniture online with free shipping and diet with meals sent to me in the mail, designed to boost my metabolism. I could lose weight as easy as throwing a 30 pound bag of oranges.
I have a problem. Sheldon Cooper could calculate a solution, Fox could debate the issue ad nauseam, and HGTV could fix it up and sell it. But hold on, Liberty National doesn’t want me to drive around on three wheels, however if I had dentist in my medicine cabinet, I would have a friend and wouldn’t have to keep flipping channels.
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