Deck the Hallmark

It is that time of the year when television networks parade out an assortment of Christmas movies for our holiday enjoyment. Old classics such as White Christmas (excellent), Christmas in Connecticut (funny), A Christmas Carol (many versions) and A Christmas Story (hate it) will air continually during the season. Gone are the days of the Christmas variety shows with great vocalists such as Perry Como, Andy Williams, Bing Crosby and Dean Martin. They have been replaced with Hallmark Channel Christmas movies – sentimental, mushy creations with plots that do not vary from one to another. The movie marathon started soon after Halloween and replaced the pumpkin themed fall line-up. We are now in the Count Down to Christmas with non-stop movies every day.

In the Hallmark movies, the main character, which either loves or hates Christmas, is juxtaposed with a character possessing opposite views of Christmas and must convert him or her to the true meaning of Christmas that is love, family and happiness. Not much is mentioned in these stories about the birth of the Christ Child; Santa Claus and mysterious angels work all the miracles. Traditionally there is a cookie-baking scene, an escapade of ice-skating, tree decorating, town tree lighting ceremony and old family feuds that need to be mended. They decorate their houses from the contents of one file box of ornaments stored in the garage with an amazing quantity of lights, garland, mistletoe, and of course strings of popcorn and homemade ornaments from childhood. So basically we have: boy meets girl, falls in love, have a misunderstanding, discover the true meaning of Christmas, make up with girl and kiss bringing on the snow. The story may be entwined with royalty, a small kingdom with a prince, soon to be crowned king, a devious queen mother who has already chosen the lady for him, and a working girl from any New England state. But in the end, they kiss and it snows, concluding with a fairy tale happily ever after.

I am addicted to these movies and have been known to watch them for hours even though I have previously seen them. There is no logical explanation for any allure to habitually watch these movies other than the fact that they provide an alternative to the depressing news stories. They are predictable, corny and trite but satisfy a need to escape the reality of politics, sexual misconduct, terrorism, the self-destruction of society and they are just there — all the time. North Korea has been pushed away for the more favorable North Pole.

Basically, the writers could take any classic movie and put a Christmas twist to the plot and have done so. The Christmas Train is Murder on the Orient Express with Christmas and without murder, Switched for Christmas is The Parent Trap with grown-ups and snow. A Crown for Christmas is reminiscent of Maid in Manhattan with gingerbread and candy canes and I’m Not Ready for Christmas is a version of Liar, Lair but with Santa and his elves. The question is how many of these movies must I watch before my all time favorite movie The Godfather is rehashed into a figgy pudding entitled The Don Finds His Ho Ho Ho. “God bless us, everyone.”