Witch Caliber?

If the puzzle begins with the laying of the first piece, then this story begins with the premise that nail color can determine the caliber of the point and shoot lady. Nail polish is by no means a new creation, originating in China in 3000 BC and was made from vegetable dyes. Later the ancient Egyptians used the polish to designate social class with the lower classes wearing light colors – dull beige and the higher classes sporting the reds. Approximately, 800 million dollars are spent annually in the United States on nail polish, which says a lot about primping and preening before a kill of any kind.

There is a saying that a woman is only helpless while her nail polish is drying, to which I may add, but even then, she can pull a trigger. So how do we determine the caliber of her nail polish – by the identifying “headstamp” on the bottom of the bottle. When I was younger, there were two colors of polish – pink and red. I now own more than thirty colors; so needless to say, the market is as diverse as a Crayola box. The names of the colors may or may not indicate any primary color but they do provide mellifluosity with their diphthongs, fricatives, sililants, voiceless stops, and plosives.

The pale colors I call the Girly Guns or the revolvers. Tenacious Spirit is a caliber 311 and emits warm beige tones. Dulce de Leche is an even shooter, definitely an A15 that can provide a bang for your bucks. The Squeaker of the House, W60 can revel the E41 of Barefoot in Barcelona, as well as SanTan-tonio, which is only a T13. They are the weapons of choice when faced with a shy insignificant foe. The Semi-Automatic handguns are the red ones. Red Hot Rio, an A70, packs a cool blood color and Chick Flick Cherry, H02, does the big kill with ease on the trigger finger. Coca-Cola Red, although merely a C13 has an ample amount of fizz but the best choice for me is Madam President, which can wallop a big W62 at a moving target.

Greens and purples make up a wide range of rifles. In the green category, I’m Soooo Swamped, which is a 312, can compete with Front Runner, an H74. In the purple category, O, That’s Just Grape, a lowly 440, carries a large load when aimed at stationary prey but Lost my Bikini in Mokokini, N75, is better for fast acting objectives. Purples rate as the new red in town and the best of the best is definitely Wicked 252, which is a soaring concoction that can stop a broom on a dime.

Shotguns bring in the white varieties with Alpine Snow normally a L100, however Non-Stop White looks the same but is only an L32. Like any shotgun both will splatter unnecessarily when used for preparing French Nails so caution must be taken with the handling of these weapons. Then, there is the air rifle or gray, My Ponte Exactly, a T54 which is practically good for nothing, not even killing squirrels.

Choosing a nail color can be compared to what Coach Nick Saban calls “the process,” a simple way of breaking down a difficult task into manageable pieces. One must “buy in” to the process and choose the outfit first, then the color of polish. It may be difficult to select the color before the hunt, making the search comparable to the Board member’s quote, “finding a hubcap in a ditch and buying a car to put it on.” The process is to choose the target first and then select the caliber that will provide the best results to satisfy any quest of a Southern packed and loaded, point and shoot witch.